3:45 PM, right before I left work
Brad, text message: Hey, I got you a sub so you don't have to get anything for dinner.
My thoughts: Shit, that's nice. I really like when people buy me sandwiches. I am so relieved because I know we have no food at home. Brad is so thoughtful. I love Brad. Brad's the best.
4:10, upon arrival at home, opening the fridge:
Me: You dick! This isn't buying me a sub. This is half of your leftover, gross, grocery store, pre-made sub with onions, slathered in mayonnaise. You know I hate everything about this, now I have nothing to eat! (et cetera).
Brad: You're such a brat. I'm going out for wings with the guys.
Me: I hate everything. I'm hungry and YOU'RE going out for wings?! You're not even HUNGRY! I can't believe you would do this to meeeee!
My thoughts: I know I'm over reacting but seriously, trying to make me think he bought this sub for me?! What a phony. He just didn't eat the other half because he was going out and decided he was going to make me think he was doing something thoughtful and it backfired! I see right through your shitty plan! Fuck this! Mayo, gross!! I'm staaarving and there is nothing in this godforsaken house for me to eat! Whatever will I dooooo!!??!
6:30, after forcing myself to take a nap because I was so miserable and angsty about there being nothing I wanted to eat, not wanting to go get something, generally over reacting as I tend to do about food.
Me, text message: Hey Brad, sorry I was a total bitchy spaz. I ripped the guts out of the sub and toasted it on bread and it was delicious and I love you. Sorry.
My thoughts: I am such a bitchy spaz. Why do I act like that? This hot, toasted Italian sandwich is the best thing I ever ate. I feel so bad that Brad has to put up with me. I love Brad.
10:00, after meeting up with Brad at a friend's house, drinking a lot and coming back home
Brad: Where's the sub?
Me: What!? I ate it. I sent you a message and told you I did.
Brad: WHAT THE FUCK?! NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO EAT!! AFTER YOU SPAZZED YOU STILL ATE THE FUCKING SUB ANYWAY!? NOW I'M DRUNK AND HUNGRY AND THERE IS NO FOOD!! I WAS COUNTING ON THAT SUB!
ME: FUCK YOU! YOU NEVER READ MY TEXT MESSAGES! I WAS BEING REALLY NICE! I APOLOGIZED AND TOLD YOU I ATE IT AND IT WAS DELICIOUS! AND I SAID I LOVED YOU AND SORRY! BUT NOW I'M TAKING IT BACK!
Brad: FUCK THIS! I AM GOING TO BED. HUNGRY!
My thoughts: The number of emotions this fucking sub has caused is unfuckingbelievable.
Moral: go to the fucking grocery store once in a while.