Tuesday, December 11, 2012

About the braces (with grotesque pics)

SO. I have braces. Not those clear, barely detectable totally adult in.vis.a.lign braces that only your closest friends know you have. No. I have metal mouth, tinsel teeth, train tracks, incredibly visible, hideous budget braces. This fact makes me 100% sure you already knew this.

(don't get me started about the grammar issue with this picture. I did not make it.)

But why?

My dentist suggested when I was young that I should have braces and my mom immediately dismissed it.  I know my teeth were never really terrible, but someone who shall remain nameless called me "dinosaur teeth" and they are jacked and I've always disliked them.  So when Brad's new insurance had adult orthodontic coverage I was all "mmmyup".

I am actually as surprised as anyone, to be honest. Brad mentioned that I could get braces if I wanted, mentioned it again a week later, (which I use as my argument that he wanted me to get them. Why mention it on two different occasions? I did it for YOU!) my coworker who has the same insurance told me the name of the place that her kids go.  I called on a Monday and had the braces by Friday.  Wham!

He thinks I look like a seventh grader and I don't really disagree.  The clear ones were about 4 grand more and would taken double the time (I should have these for 12 to 18 months, and the clear would have been 3 years! no thanks!), so I didn't really think that was an option. I kinda liked the idea of having a badass attitude and not giving a shit about a mouthful of metal.  My adult braces comrades promised me I wouldn't regret them.

At first, I was really excited, then they fucking stabbed the shit out of my mouth and I was fairly regretful, then I couldn't eat shit because my teeth were all loose and lost 7 pounds in 10 days so I was excited again (that didn't last - don't get too excited about braces as a weight loss strategy)!  They don't hurt or really bother me anymore. Unless I'm talking to someone I don't really know and then I'm embarrassed, even though I tell myself not to be and I have nothing to be ashamed of.  They are just ugly. I had convinced myself that in my life I'm not really trying to impress people, but I guess that's just not completely true. Also, food gets stuck in them, I think my teeth look super yellow (maybe because I constantly drink coffee, iced tea, diet coke and smoke), and I spit when I talk!  You've been warned.  

So this is true:

Now for some grotesque before pictures so you can see how jacked they were/are. You probably don't want to see this, but here ya go anyways! You are warned! Look away! I can't believe I'm posting these! (Moira, you told me to take these and never show a soul why would I not talk your advice?!)

And this is what they look like now, 9 weeks later:

A little less jacked! I'll report back! So sorry you decided to see this!

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